Where have you been?

I have been hearing that a lot lately. Dear husband and I have been going away on the weekends, visiting areas, to try and determine where to buy a home. This home buying thing is SUCH a HUGE commitment. Getting married was easy compared to this. At least husband and I dated for a while, got to know each other before we took the leap. Buying a home? Committing to a neighborhood? That's going to happen after only a couple of visits. Yikes!

How do I know the neighborhood will be safe five years from now? Will there be enough kids for Josh to play with in 10 years? Will dear husband and I find any friends in this new neighborhood that we like as much as the ones we already have? The fact that we will also have to pay over a hundred thousand dollars for the "privilege" of being homeowners also boggles the mind. I know people do this every day, but how do you commit to that kind of cash when you know you'd have to work at least 20 years to make the amount of money that the house is worth?

Well, that explains my absence from this blog too. All my free time has been invested in researching neighborhoods, researching the home buying process, researching how to make grow hair grow back after you've pulled it out due to frustration.

Hope you forgive me, again, for neglecting you guys. How's about this? When we finally DO buy a house, you're all invited over to hang out and chat. Just be aware there is a two drink minimum, if you do stop by. After all, that house isn't gonna pay for itself, we need to finance it somehow. :)

PS As for that last blog, you all had some cute guesses but the real answer was Will Blog When I Have The Time..little did I realize, at the time, how prophetic that comment would be.

Long hot showers vs showering Josh with kisses

You know what I love best about finally finding a great babysitter to watch Josh while I work at home? I am more relaxed because I finally have some free time again. For a couple of hours a day I am not a mommy, not a wife, I am free to just be me.

Our new nanny is wonderful. She not only takes care of all of Josh’s needs but she also helps out around the house. A lot of the typical housework I should be doing, she does. Therefore, when Josh goes to bed at night, I now actually have some free time to read a magazine or watch some TV. It makes me wonder if being a stay at home mom is what I want to do or what I feel I have to do.

I love my son and I enjoy spending time with him. That kid has got a killer smile that makes me warm and gooey inside and when he laughs, it takes my breath away. With this new nanny, I am more relaxed, less tense then I have been in a long while. A sense of balance has returned to our home. The petty arguments I had with dear husband, they still happen but, not as frequently as they did before. So I ask myself, is my working better for me and ultimately better for my family?

I am not saying I want to stay in the job I currently hold forever. When we finally move to the suburbs, commuting to this job would mean I would only see Josh on the weekends but, if I could find something part time or local to where we live and have a babysitter too, would that be better for us then my staying home all the time?

Obviously, the financial rewards are a strong motivator for continuing to work but what about the emotional benefits? At the end of my work day, I am eager to be with Josh. I shower him with kisses and play with him until it is time for him go to bed. Then, I still have time for myself too. When I was alone with Josh all day, I often got overwhelmed and frustrated. There were days I didn’t even get to shower! We still had fun together but there were times that I just didn’t have the energy to do what he wanted and I secretly prayed that he’d just take a nap. Was that just part of the new “mommyhood” learning curve or am I just not cut out for being a stay at home mom?

So what’s the answer? Am I a better mom to Josh if I work and spend less time with him, but during that time I am generally in a relaxed and good mood? Is quitting my job the better option? If I did that, I would be spending more time with him where I could be in a good mood but I could also be tense and irritable. However, if I’m at home, I get to watch him grow and not miss out on any of those milestones I have looked forward to for many years when I thought about having kids. If I did that, the house would probably be mess again but would I too?

Is there a way I can balance both? Can I get my long hot showers but also get the chance to shower Josh with kisses any time I want?

I always thought my nature was to be a stay at home mom at all costs. Am I really a horrible, selfish mom for even considering choosing to continue to work over staying home full time with Josh or is that just the guilt talking?