No matter what you do, it will never be enough

I have an awesome husband. He works hard, he loves me and he adores our son. When I hear about other people’s horror stories of how their husbands behave, I consider myself a very lucky woman. However, despite the fact that I am blessed with a great and helpful husband doesn’t change the fact that he will never be able to do enough for me anymore. You see, there is no way that my husband can ever become the mommy.

When Josh gets sick and needs to be taken to the doctor, mommy takes off from work to go there. When Josh wakes up crying and needs to be consoled, mommy has to groggily get out of bed and comfort him back to sleep. Mommy packs her clothes and Josh’s clothes when we have to go away for a couple of hours or for a couple of days. Daddy gets to do the fun stuff. Daddy swings him up in the air, tickles him and makes him laugh, mommy changes poopie diapers.

I am utterly exhausted with being the mommy. I need a vacation from being the mommy. I want to have the energy to just enjoy my husband and my son but, the past couple of days, I just don’t. Husband is out of town on a business trip and so now, even the things he does to help, fall on my shoulders. I am in awe of single moms who do this every day. Faced with having to do it alone for 2 more days is making me anxious just thinking about it.

I dreamed of motherhood for many years, romanticized it. I never realized how much work it is! The spitting up, the crying, the gross bodily functions and that was just coming from me right after giving birth! Josh is generally affable, but he is still a baby. He cries, he gets fussy, he gets bored, he gets angry, sometimes all at once. Since he can’t tell me what’s wrong, I have to guess. Diaper clean? Check. Hungry? Nope. Tired? Ahhh, that’s it. Insert pacifier, soothe baby and hope he falls out soon.

There are times I think, can I do this again? I love Josh, but I hate being exhausted. I hate snapping at my husband and making him feel small and insignificant because I am frustrated and overwhelmed. I miss the days of being so affectionate with my spouse. Most days I am either too tired or too angry to muster up loving emotions.

I love my husband, he can crack me up with his corny sense of humor, even when I am so angry at him. I adore our son, his giggle gives me an emotional high that no chocolate has ever come close to equaling (and if you know me, that is saying A LOT). However, on those challenging days, I just feel like running away, being by myself and getting back to feeling like me. I so want to be able to be the loving wife and patient mother I dreamed of being when I fantasized about my future. I try and I try but I finally realized: no matter what I do, it will never be enough in my mind. However, when my husband steps in, with concern in his eyes because he knows I am wiped, I see he appreciates the hard work of balancing the roles of mommy & wife. When I give Josh kisses on his belly, as I change yet another dirty diaper, and he squeals in delight, I see, what I am doing as his mom is good enough for him. In the end, isn’t that what really matters?