To conceive or not to conceive? That is the question.

People warned me that, after having a baby, weight loss would be more difficult. Once again, I was extremely naïve and assumed it would not apply to me. I was wrong.

I have been disappointed with my progress on Weight Watchers. I assumed I could lose 25 pounds in three months like I did before I had Josh. It has been a month now and I am down a total of 7 pounds. Sounds great, right? Well, I lost 6 pounds the first week. I lost 2 pounds the second week. I lost 0 pounds in the third week and I gained 1 pound last week. That gives me a net loss of 7 pounds. At this rate, I’ll be back where I started in another two months!

What makes this struggle all the more stressful is that annoyingly loud, ticking biological clock. We want more kids and I am not getting any younger. I wanted to be at my “fighting weight” before starting to try for baby #2, but it feels unrealistic now. At this rate Josh will be married with his own kids before I can start on giving him a sibling, if I wait until I reach goal weight.

Dear Husband points out that, I was able to lose weight before and I will be able to do it again, whether it is before or after another baby. He has left the decision up to me as to when we start “trying” again. The core issue is, that I am worried about how long it will take to get pregnant again. If it happens right away, while a blessing, there goes the opportunity to drop some poundage. However, if I wait until after I lose weight, and it takes a long time to get pregnant again, will I kick myself for having waited so long?

See, this is where my need to have control, my being neurotic, comes into play. I want to know now what the right thing is here. I want some voice from heaven to proclaim the decision I should be making. There are always the voices in my head, but they can’t seem to agree here. The magic 8 ball has been no help either, it keeps telling me “reply hazy try again”- thanks for news flash there. I even resorted to flipping a quarter for the heads/tails option. I know you are not going to believe me but, it bounced on the floor and for the life of me I can’t find where it landed.

Since I am not getting any clear signs, for now, I am doing what I always do – procrastinating. I am putting of making the decision (which in essence means I am actually deciding to wait to try again). Each time I pop a birth control pill I agonize as to whether the decision is the right one. Each time I step on the scale, I feel like waiting isn’t such a bad thing. Each time I see a baby girl, I get misty eyed at the thought that I could have one myself, if I just tried. Each time I see a little girl stress about diet, I worry about the example I’d set for a daughter with my weight obsession and think it's a good idea to wait to conceive until I am more comfortable with my body.

The original quote I co-opted in my title, is from Hamlet. The phrase has been used and parodied by numerous people since the moment Shakespeare wrote it. The character of Hamlet is one I relate to, on the decision making level. Hamlet is unable to do, he is only able to be. He is incapable of making a difficult decision that he faces (though scholars debate what the nature of the decision was suicide or revenge). However, at the end of it all, what Hamlet believes in is “special providence”, a faith that God has the ability to sort out the messes in the world. That’s the same kind of faith I have too. Of course Hamlet is a tragedy, which ends with a huge bloodbath, so maybe he’s not the best example to choose for my indecisiveness.

Maybe I’ll just make the decision myself after all. I just need to go crawling around on the floor first, that quarter has got be here somewhere!

Commitment Issues

It’s ironic, for years I have wanted the security of a strong commitment, someone who would be there for me whenever I needed them. Now, after finding that special someone, I am having major commitment issues.

I have been steadfast and loyal to Weight Watchers for three weeks now and today I felt myself waning. When your weight doesn’t go down or worse it goes up, which is normal in any form of modified diet, that is the true test of your commitment. Will you be strong and resist temptation or will you cave into negative feelings and the taunts of the scale? I always considered myself the loyal type but, today, I learned I’m not. The scale disappointed me and I became a cheater.

Two bowls of ice cream and a chocolate bar later, I have “cheated” on my diet. I threw caution to the wind and didn’t even bother to count my points today. I knew what I was doing was wrong but it felt so right. I knew I’d hate myself in the morning but, in the heat of the moment, I derived so much pleasure, I didn’t care about the consequences. Then, when it was time to eat a real dinner, I was caught in the act. There were definitely no more daily points left for real food and I still needed to fulfill my 8 healthy guidelines. Did I own up to what I did and go to bed hungry? No. I ate some more.

Poor Weight Watchers. So innocent in this whole situation. All it ever did was try to help me. It’s been there for me every time I needed it. It helped me through pre-wedding weight loss to fit into that fairytale gown. It supported me in my desire to lose post wedding newlywed weight gain. After all it has done for me, I let it down. Do you think it will ever trust me again? Do you think it will take me back?

The great thing about Weight Watchers is that it is forgiving. It hears and accepts my excuses time after time. “I’ll go back on my diet after this party.” “I’ll start Weight Watchers again on Monday.” “I’m too tired to measure my food, chop up salad etc…I’ll start -- tomorrow.”

Tomorrow. I always promise Weight Watchers that I’ll change tomorrow. It sadly accepts my promises but it knows me better by now. Weight Watchers and I have this love/hate relationship. When things are going well, I am proud of it, I introduce it to all my friends. However, when things are going bad, I hide it away and deny our relationship even exists.

Weight Watchers, you deserve better then a big old cheater like me but I thank you for sticking by me anyway. Although I sometimes act like “I’m just not that into you”, I really do want to commit to you with all my heart. Be patient with me, I just need one last fling with that scrumptious doughnut I saw in the bakery on my way home from the library today. I hope you understand, you’re awesome, the problem here, it’s not you, its me.

Save me 100 calorie packs! You are the only ones who can.

Long weekends, LOVE them! However, they come at a price. People usually take advantage of the extra day to throw parties, barbeques, family gatherings, basically, any excuse to thrust massive quantities of food on you.

Pre WW (Weight Watchers) these long weekends were a food fest for me. Just one more hot dog, just one more slice of cake, just one more bite of lasagna, I ate until I felt like I would explode. This was my first long weekend post-WW again and boy how things have changed. I am amazed at how little healthy food is served at these festivities. A couple of slice of melon, some cucumbers and tomatoes and then I have exhausted my options.

However, having been down this road before, I was well aware of these obstacles that people unintentionally put you through. I came equipped to yesterday’s party with my healthy eating utility pack. There was my fiber one baggie, to get that full feeling plus it helped with my daily fiber requirements. My hard boiled egg whites were there for my protein kick and went nicely with the cucumbers and tomatoes. Finally, there are the ingenious 100 calorie snacks/packs, so I didn’t miss out on dessert when everyone else was wolfing down that cake.

I’ll be honest, chomping away at fiber one while others are voraciously attacking fresh French bread is not as satisfying in the moment, but I try to look at the bigger picture. A lot of people on the WW message boards utter the mantra “Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels” and I wholeheartedly agree. There are times I prefer to have something taste good but WW allows you to do that and still be on track. If I sound like a WW groupie it is because I am. I have found no other way to eat that works for me but this one. What I LOVE about WW is that I can still have my normal foods if I want them but in moderation.

On Atkins, I suffered the smells of ketosis, on the grapefruit diet I just suffered. On WW I have had mini cupcakes, cookies, pizza, stuffed shells, ice cream and I have still lost weight. Broccoli tastes a whole lot better when it is followed by a yummy dessert -- with WW that is possible. So I say, let them eat cake, I will too and I’ll get skinnier every day I do it!

Sex and the mommy

I love my husband dearly. I am extremely attracted to him. However, these days if you offered me the choice of 4 hours of additional sleep, a case of Paul Newman's peanut butter cups, or a little somethin-somethin with my man, the choice would be a no brainer. This sleep deprived, Weight Watchers going mom would pick the sleep first , chocolate second and coming in last place would be the nookie.

It amazes me how much I have changed in the past couple of years. Before dear husband was in my life, chocolate would have been number one on the list. I believe I am responsible for sending hundreds of kids to Paul Newman's camp just from the charity raised from my peanut butter cup purchases. These days, those poor kids have to stay home in their apartments and miss out on a summer outdoors just because of my selfish desire to lose weight. Oh, the inhumanity!

Before Joshua was in my life, my husband and I loved spending time alone together and I would have chosen time with him over sleep any day. Before you get your knickers in a twist, don't worry, I am not going to tell you about our sex life, even I have boundaries. I will say that this is not just about the sex. The exhaustion that comes with having a kid makes sleep a more appealing option then quality time with your man.

When I went to my obgyn post-Joshua for a check up she advised me that, in her opinion, I should go on birth control to give my body time to recover from having a baby before I tried for a second child. Heck, who was she kidding? Do you know what the most effective form of birth control is? Have a baby! Trust me, with a newborn in the house you have got to be pretty high energy to even worry about getting pregnant again.

So, how do people do it? How do they balance taking care of themselves (with proper diet and sufficient sleep), taking care of their babies and taking care of their marriages? I still haven't figured it out, but I'll keep trying. In the meantime, tell my husband to hit the snooze button on the alarm and wake me when my chocolate has no calories/points. Dear husband, the day that happens, trust me I'll be well rested and in such a state of euphoria that you are sure to get lucky.

Dr. P, the Skinny Cow is making a comeback!

So, a couple of days ago, I went to the doctor for “routine maintenance” and part of the drill is being weighed. Now, I knew the number would not be one I was happy to see but NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think it would be THAT high. I haven’t been this heavy in over 10 years!

When you watch those shows like Jerry Springer, (Come on, admit it, you’ve caught yourself watching it, much as you would an accident on the side of a highway) and you see those 600 pound people who need to be cut out of their house, you wonder, how they didn’t notice. I kind of get in now.

Most days, I wake up and think “nothing in my closet fits, I am sooooo fat.” However, there are days I wake up in the morning, put on something that I actually feel like I look pretty good in. On those days, I don’t even notice the weight gain at all. Delusional? Perhaps. However, those moments, where I think nothing has changed about my body, have “fed” my continuing to eat poorly. If I can still fit into any of my pre-pregnancy skirts, even if it IS cutting off my circulation, I must still be the same weight, right?

Well, seeing that number shattered any illusions I had. I am not the same weight I was pre- Joshua and, while he was worth every pound gained, he deserves a healthy mommy.

So, I am back on Weight Watchers. There are fruits and vegetables in my fridge and my freezer is now full with my WW staples of Dr. Praeger’s pizza bagels and fish. When I was on WW before having Josh, Dr. Praeger’s items were a HUGE part in my success in dropping my excess weight. It allowed me to eat “nosh” in a points friendly way. Yes, I still had my veggies, water and all that healthy stuff but this made me feel like I was “cheating” when I was following all the rules

Another item I discovered on WW was Skinny Cow ice-cream sandwiches. They remind me of the flying saucers I had in Carvel when I was a kid. I bought them so frequently the last time I was on WW that my husband starting calling me (affectionately) his “skinny cow”. Yes, when I write it down here, it doesn’t sound too good, but trust me, it was very sweet.

So, it is day 3 for me on WW and so far, so good. While last week, I would have been baking chocolate chip cookies for shabbos, this week I bought some grapes instead. Yay me! I may be slow to make a move but, once I do, I am pretty good at keeping on track. So, my dear husband, leave a light on, cause your skinny cow is heading home.