It's 80 degrees outside and I am wearing a jacket

You're all screaming "Why?" I am too. I went to move the car (again, alternate side of the street parking rules REALLY suck) and threw on my black jacket even though I knew it was hot outside. I have this weird need to wear a jacket ALL the time when I am outside my home. Somehow, I feel that by wearing the jacket I look better, less fat somehow. I don't even think about the fact that, without the jacket, rarely anyone would give me a second look. However, with the jacket everyone looks and thinks "Why is that freak wearing a jacket when it is 80 degrees outside?"

The earliest recollection I have of this weird behavior is in the 7th grade. Puberty was in full bloom and, let's just say, I blossomed early in the “boobage” department. Having cleavage that a college student would use to her every advantage, was not as appealing to a shy, slightly overweight, junior high student. I remember being teased mercilessly by classmates and that's when the jacket made its first appearance. I recall that the first jacket I wore was my dad's black members only jacket. I wore it ALL the time. On the heat stifled bus, in the steaming classroom, even when teachers asked if I was warm, I insisted I was cold and needed it.

For years I wore that jacket as a suit of armor. Perhaps, on a deeper level, I thought the jacket offered me some protection. I thought it could protect me from the harsh stares of disapproval, the cruel taunting remarks about my weight. Although it didn't do that, maybe the jacket was my security blanket. Even though it didn't make any sense to do it, wearing that jacket made me feel more emotionally comfortable despite the physical discomfort.

When I lost weight, the jacket disappeared. I only wore jackets when I was really cold. Form fitting tops, accentuating the “bounty that the lord bestowed upon me”, became the norm in my wardrobe. However, when I became pregnant with Joshua and the weight started creeping up, the jacket reared its ugly head again. Think I am crazy today for wearing a jacket? I was certifiable for wearing a jacket in the summer when I was 7 months pregnant! Are you sweating just thinking about it? Now that summer is right around the corner again, I am sorry to say the jacket is still the first thing I grab on my way out the door.

My dear husband thinks I am being silly, he constantly tells me to take the jacket off and not in a sexy way. He pointed out that if I continue to feel this way about myself, so will others, including him. I know he’s right but I can’t seem to stop. Without the jacket I feel naked, vulnerable and I can’t seem to let it go. Sometimes, I think resolving this issue would make a therapist a bundle, definitely enough to pay for a second summer home. Until I am brave enough to tackle these demons, I’ll just try and walk it off by taking a stroll around the block to clear my head. I just need to grab my jacket on the way out.

***Since I missed Monday's post you get two today -- Twofer Tuesday!