You know what I love best about finally finding a great babysitter to watch Josh while I work at home? I am more relaxed because I finally have some free time again. For a couple of hours a day I am not a mommy, not a wife, I am free to just be me.
Our new nanny is wonderful. She not only takes care of all of Josh’s needs but she also helps out around the house. A lot of the typical housework I should be doing, she does. Therefore, when Josh goes to bed at night, I now actually have some free time to read a magazine or watch some TV. It makes me wonder if being a stay at home mom is what I want to do or what I feel I have to do.
I love my son and I enjoy spending time with him. That kid has got a killer smile that makes me warm and gooey inside and when he laughs, it takes my breath away. With this new nanny, I am more relaxed, less tense then I have been in a long while. A sense of balance has returned to our home. The petty arguments I had with dear husband, they still happen but, not as frequently as they did before. So I ask myself, is my working better for me and ultimately better for my family?
I am not saying I want to stay in the job I currently hold forever. When we finally move to the suburbs, commuting to this job would mean I would only see Josh on the weekends but, if I could find something part time or local to where we live and have a babysitter too, would that be better for us then my staying home all the time?
Obviously, the financial rewards are a strong motivator for continuing to work but what about the emotional benefits? At the end of my work day, I am eager to be with Josh. I shower him with kisses and play with him until it is time for him go to bed. Then, I still have time for myself too. When I was alone with Josh all day, I often got overwhelmed and frustrated. There were days I didn’t even get to shower! We still had fun together but there were times that I just didn’t have the energy to do what he wanted and I secretly prayed that he’d just take a nap. Was that just part of the new “mommyhood” learning curve or am I just not cut out for being a stay at home mom?
So what’s the answer? Am I a better mom to Josh if I work and spend less time with him, but during that time I am generally in a relaxed and good mood? Is quitting my job the better option? If I did that, I would be spending more time with him where I could be in a good mood but I could also be tense and irritable. However, if I’m at home, I get to watch him grow and not miss out on any of those milestones I have looked forward to for many years when I thought about having kids. If I did that, the house would probably be mess again but would I too?
Is there a way I can balance both? Can I get my long hot showers but also get the chance to shower Josh with kisses any time I want?
I always thought my nature was to be a stay at home mom at all costs. Am I really a horrible, selfish mom for even considering choosing to continue to work over staying home full time with Josh or is that just the guilt talking?
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